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Silencing the voice.

I forced myself to write this title, I don’t believe in giving titles to my writings, anymore. I don’t even bother about the fact if anyone reads my posts or not/ follows my blog or not & so on. In fact, I don’t even bother about anything or anyone altogether.

There was a time when writing used to be a forte, the best and the most precious possession in my life, not anymore! I have been trying hardest to muster up the right amount of courage and strength to delete this site.

I have been through lifetime, self-turning, transitional changes. I was wondering, for a human being, it’s necessary (kind of) to see both the extremes before selecting anything. I’d always wonder, how did Junaid Jamshed bring such a huge, life turning change in his life. Once I told one of my friends that I need a Junaid Jamshed sort of transformation in my life, she replied back, you’d need a Molana Tariq Jameel for that. It’s true. To some extent. Had me thinking. As one of my favorite Urdu writers once mentioned, in life, at sometime or another we come to a point where all relationships cease—where there is only us and Allah. There are no parents, brother or sister, or any friend. Then we realise that there is no earth under us nor is there sky above, but only Allah who is supporting us in this emptiness. Then we realise our worth – it is not more than a grain of sand or the leaf of a plant. Then we realise our existence is only confined to our being. Our demise makes not a whit of difference to the world around us, nor to the scheme of things. At a certain stage, we do need a guiding hand, someone, a source which would help us select the path of satisfaction for ourselves. When we feel that our relation with our creator has been broken. When we pray but we don’t connect. Where we think that the words uttered from our mouths and our spread hands infront of HIM are of no use. When we don’t feel it. When we don’t live it. There we need something, someone, to hold us and take us back to HIM. To pray for us. To compose us.

As I mentioned, it is necessary to see both the highs, one is ought to see the extremes of torment, agony, distress and the extremes of glamor, hyped life, socializing and stuff, in his living, to decide one path. In Urdu it’s said, “App dou kashtiyon ke musafir nahi ho saktey.” When one gets the chance to see the worldly highs and lows and even then he doesn’t find peace and inner satisfaction, that is the point where Allah opens the sealed portions of his heart! I am at that stage. When neither the very happening and updated lifestyle brings you peace nor does the darkest moments help you in any way, there you get into thinking, where is the loophole? What exactly is missing?  You’ve everything. Worldly goods. Lavish living. Facilities. Everything to be listed. The only thing missing is your inner peace, your satisfaction, your calmness of heart. I have been through all of this. There has been a long war inside my self. Where is the missing piece of the puzzle? I thought to my self, I am too young to be this sad. I have had insecurities. Trust issues. With every person. My trust in every person just vanished. I knew that if this person is good today, he/she will stab me back tomorrow. I was not comfortable in the company of those I selected to enter into my life, my self. I was disturbed. Distressed. So restless you’d feel a pain in your gut and heart and tears in the eyes. The exact time you realize that you don’t have anything and anyone. No one can take away this pain from you. There is when you find your creator.

I believe, it’s Allah’s big mercy to bring you back to HIS way. I have seen people who constantly do sins and don’t even feel bad about it, it’s also a curse upon them to have their hearts so hardened. This world is just an illusion. I also have been a person who would pray five times a day and follow the religious duties but would have earphones and listen to songs all day. I have not been that strict in pardah but I always observed the ethical and moral boundaries, wearing chaddar, dupatta and all but now, I can feel it in my soul, my Lord has opened the closed doors of my heart. It’s just the start, I know. And I fully understand when they say it,

“Khuda ki raah par chalney ke liye dil marna hota hai. Mehnat karni hoti hai. Khuda ki mohabbat sirf khwahish aur tamanna se hasil nahi hoti, ies ke liye bohot koshish karni hogi, tabhi uska noor apkey wajood aur seenay mein utrey ga. Allah Ta’la har insaan ko zameen par bheej deyta hai aor kehta hai… Ye tumhari azmaish hai, aor ye tumhari umer ki had… Tumko itney saal zameen par iss tarha kay halat kay ssath rehna hai… ye ye masail hain jo tumhen zindagi mai pesh aaingey, ab ro kar inka samna karo ya hans kar inka hal sohney ki koshish karo… Ya in par zindagi bhar matam kartey raho, ye sab tumharey haath mai hai… Behirhaal, tumko in sab ka samna karna hi hai… Hum zindagi kay imtahani kamrey mai beth kar, pedaish sey moat tak mukhtalif qisam kay test dayney kay alawa kuch nahi kar rahey hotey… Har test ka doraniya alag hota hai, uski type alag hoti hai, baaz ka sawal nama zara asan hota hai, baaz ka khasa mushkil,baaz ka sawal nama Syllabus pay phela huwa hota hai, baaz ka mukhtasir jawabaat magta hai… Baaz paper khubsoorat writing mai kartey hain, baaz gandi writing mai, Magar aik baat tou tay hai kay hum sab dey paper hi rahey hain aor ye papers kesey bhi hon, inka Checker aik hi hota hai… Vo merit par puri diyanatdaari kay saath hamen marks dey deyta hai, aor vo checker Allah hai !!

Kamra-e-imtehan mai aney kay baad shor machaney kay bajaey kay falan ko paper asaan diya gaya hai, falan ko naqal karaey jarahi hai, falan ko kam sawal hal karney hain, falan ko ziyada waqt diya gaya hai, falan ko diya janey vala qalam aor sheet mujhsey behtar hai, falan ko paani aor dusri sahuliat di jarahi hain, falan ko calculator istamal karney ki ijazat hai ya falan ney kitaab kholi huey hai…. Kiya ye behtar nahi hai kay hum sirf aor sirf apney question paper par tawwaja den, usko hal karney ki koshish karen, ye dekhen kay iss mai sey kitney sawal hamen aatey hain aor kitney nahi, aor jo sawal hamen atey hain unka jawab hum kitni achi tarha dey saktey hain…. aor jo nahi aatey unko hal karney kay liye hamen kiya karna chaheye… Kiyonkay hamen khaali paper nahi chhorna khali paper dekh kar hamen marks nahi milengey aor nahi hamar koi uzar mana jaeyga..”

It has been a long time since I left using many social networking mediums, probably been years by now. Socializing depresses me. Maybe, I won’t be able to write about the happenings in detail one last time and someday delete this blog, silently. I am happy in my little sphere with an even smaller circle, in my struggle of becoming better and closer to HIM, in the search of peace and satisfaction. I have broken all the walls between myself and HIM, all those walls of wishes and desires which once abandoned me from my Lord and kicked me in the pits of darkness. Our troubles are HIS secrets too and we’d not display them in front of others because those who wipe their tears by others are the weakest. I have been running after shoulders and consoling hands and no one and nothing lasted but my Allah. I’d text one person and the other, talk to one and the other, run after one and the other just to tell me how should I come out of this phase and no one bothered to see after one call. After one text. I’d feel so vulnerable and weak to have my soul get naked infront of others like this and let my secrets be revealed. I continued everything. Going to uni. Wearing that white coat daily. Attending classes. Labs. Wandering through the hospital and doing everything anyone would expect in a life of an ordinary medical student. I continued hanging out with friends. Attending parties. Eating out and do all that I have always been doing but when I would be at it, I’d be having no peace; never had it. One day I realized that even my last resort, listening to the sad songs and searching for melancholic stuff on tumblr is not working. Even the coping with heartbreak mechanism of getting lost into different activities and reading books failed. I used to laugh at people who’d share such stories from their lives. But now, at this point, where I went through it my self, through all that physical, mental, spiritual pain. I can feel the gravity of reality. Yes I call it a coping mechanism. Isn’t living a life all about coping and getting along? So exhausting and too much of a khwari for an awaazar person like me, this life, I tell you. I am a strong minded person, people come to me with their issues and let me tell you I don’t like sharing my problems and revealing my troubles. Yes, we all need a listener at sometimes and that’s why God created societies and people to live with us but I don’t share, not even with the two closest people of my life; my mom and sister, I think it’ll portray me weak and dependent and maybe I am just fishing for excuses but I like keeping my issues a secret.

 

I read somewhere, andheray nay saath bethay hoay shakhss ki shanaht khatam nahi ki thi, yeh kaam ROSHNI nay kia tha. Roshni mojzay kerti hay. Wajood ko is tarah ayaan kerti hay k kisi faraib aur dhokay main rehna mumkin hi nahi rehta. Muqaddar ko munawwer ker deti hay. Har mannay per qabr main utar deti hay. Na mannay per saleb peh charha deti hay. Bas cheezon ko un k muqam per rehnay nahi deti. Paras say chhuay baghair bhi insaan sona ban jata hay aur aag k paas aaey baghair bhi mom ki tarah pighalnay lagta hay. ROSHNI waqiay mojzay kerti ha. And then I realized one of its kinds is that which brightens your path and takes you to HIM.

 

I have faced the time where I had everything but peace of mind. I lived the time where I burnt in the constant pinching feel of un named regrets, guilt about the fact that whatever I have done was wrong and whatever decisions I have ever taken were the worst, I have lived my life wrong and I am a failure. I went through the time where I realized that I would die of the ting of my heart, of this thirst for something missing, the missing peace. Then I got pricked by the fact it’s difficult for me to recall and remember my Lord 5 times a day but I want HIM to remember me every second. I want HIM to grant my needs every second and every minute and if not so I start whining and complaining from HIM and label my self unlucky. I don’t try to do tableegh. I’m not preaching. I am nothing. Nothing at all. So flawed. I’ve had the best and the worst. Do you know whether you’ll be able to complete reading this post or not? I don’t know whether I’ll be alive the next moment or not. The uncertainty of human life scares me so much I tremble in fear. I’ve been so depressed and disturbed I could pull my hair out and rip my heart off. I’d talk to one and other and be after one attentive eye and other but then I thought, I am only supposed to complaint and cry in front of HIM, no one else.

 

I asked a friend once, what will be your reaction if I start wearing Hijab and that too a lifetime change? (Because of course, we all care more about people, we are a part of that rotten system where we are more bothered about the why’s and what’s of others, at least an extremely fragile and weak person like me is). She told me, for a girl who has never been this strict about pardah, though observed everything before too but not this strictly, I will be shocked and surprised for obvious reasons. But then get used to it. We got into argument of why it bothers others if anyone brings a change and makes an effort and so on.

 

Yes, I would be tempted to see the glamorous divas out there and would want to be like them but then when I think of the day of judgement, where us all would be standing infront of HIM, just like we stand in huge, open grounds in any concert. And HE will ask me how did I live my life and what did I do to the eye and hair and nose and limbs HE gave me, I’d have no answer. That’s why, I want to live a life by which HE’ll be happy not the one which will satisfy my nafs.

 

Before the HOLY MONTH of ramazan would start, I prayed to ALLAH to ease my difficulty. I told HIM I would be touching the 21st year of my life soon, please grant me the strength and power to live a life which HE likes. To make me a person which HE loves. And I am ever so thankful to HIM, to have brought life changing and life turning transformation in me. And I have found the peace of my heart, the calmness of my soul, the satisfaction of my inside.

 

Social media, friendships, worldly needs, desires, wishes, illusions, etc etc, nothing matter anymore in front of me. I read somewhere, for falling in love with HIM you have to kill your ego infront of ALL but to fall in love with a single person, you’d need to kill your ego in front of just a single person. I don’t think so truer words have ever been spoken. I know I wouldn’t be all Insha’Allah & Bismillah & JazakAllah at once. But at least, I can try to be better, ya? I always wore half or three quarter lengthened sleeves all my life. Never full. But exact one year ago, I discarded all my clothes with short sleeves and got all the new stitched in long ones. Even my own sister is ok in wearing short sleeves and my mother is fine with three quarter length but I’m not good with the “ishtihaar” of myself. I don’t have any issue with whatever anyone else do or say & think about all that I do because after all to each belongs his own graveyard, right?

 

I don’t care if anyone mocks me, back bites about me, picks up on me, bad mouths or tries to put any harm to me or my identity, because I believe that there is ALLAH, who is the biggest saver of life. Who is the greatest protector of flaws. Who is the best judge. Who is the best decision maker and who is all in one, THE ONLY ONE! I don’t care about whatever you think of me or talk about me, the purpose of life is to please Rehman not the creation of Rehman.

I know, it’s just the start and I have a long way to go, I might tremble and fall but there is HIM to hold. I would take a single step, HE will take a 100 steps to come closer.

Allah apko imaan ki mohabbat de, gunah se nafrat ka jazba ata farmaye, asaniyan de aur asaniyaan taqseem karney ka sharf bakhshay, Ameen! :)

 

At one stage or the other, every person comes to this point where he truly realizes the gravity of his creation and the reality of his creator. When you feel like you don’t have any way left, just for once, do return to your Lord. May HE answer all your prayers!

 

“And HE found you lost and guided you”.

(Quran, 93:7)

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on July 20, 2014 in Uncategorized, Untitled Words

 

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Veeraniyan kam na hovien, tanha tha mein, tanha raha. (8)

Jo khana-e-la shao’or mein jagmaga raha hai,
Wohi khuda hai. (8)

 

Mujhey aur koi khuda na day. (8)

 

“Sabr, sadmey ki pehli chout par ata hai. Agar koi baat kehnay keliye alfaz na mil rahy houn tou apni ous soch aur khayal par aik dafa phir ghour kar lena chahiye. Insan sirf khuda ke baghair nahi reh sakta. Baqi woh har cheez ke baghair reh sakta hai. Bhalay hi thoray arsey ke liye sahi. Yeh duniya, badley ki jaga nahi hai.”

 
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Posted by on July 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Posted by on June 12, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Status Update: I’m fine.

As I type this, a plethora of books and pages are flying around me, the fan is making its certain noise in the room, 7 tabs of lectures are opened and a whole lot of course is to be covered yet. Yes, it’s the time of the year when the academic session draws towards its end but what most important is that, I’ve a huge stage (home exam) of dental materials due tomorrow and I know, I’m going to pull an all nighter. Medical isn’t a one night before exams field and though I’m very well aware of that still, us students cram on the last day.

I just thought to go around and show a waving hand to you all, that I’m absolutely fine and living my life very happy and peacefully, Praise the Lord! I’ve been prioritizing my priorities, getting the facts straight and doing absolute good to myself. I need a pat on the back!!!

Yes, we all get our moments of depression or downhills, but anyway, we keep on moving and that’s important.

Here’s to the fact about the things we thought we would never do but in the flow of life we eventually did; like me, stopping blogging and altogether writing for more than a year but hey, there’s always a comeback! So, why not now! I’d try to resume back to the track soon.

Till then, Shalom!

 
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Posted by on April 20, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Book blast – Emerging talent.

Writing about new writers has always been something which makes me immensely happy and this post is surely pleasing me as I type it. Usually books based on poetry with the same writing pattern and cliche topics do not interest me but damn, this man proved me wrong as I follow the publicity scheme and wait for its launch – I’m getting hooked up to this amazing compilation from its very first cover reveal.

THE STUDENT DIARIES - COVER

“THE STUDENT DIARIES – A COLLECTION OF POEMS BY HAMZA ASAD” as fascinating as the name sound, the book itself contains a beautiful and delicate blend of Sufism and sensitivity having a fine touch of nicely carved literature, simplicity, influence of events and surroundings.

Hamza Asad, an emerging and aspiring young talent is a blogger, Writer, Debater, Poet, Independent Filmmaker and a Medical Student who has contributed as a Freelance Writer for various websites and magazines throughout his teenage. He is the grandson of professor Hafiz Muhammad Idrees: The First Person in History to Interpret The Holy Book in Fluent Pashto Language. Hamza is a Pukhtoon and He believes in the fact that the founding father of Pashto Nation, Qais Abdur Rashid was the 37th descendant of King Saul – The first Jewish King of Israel.

This book is going to be his first ever publication at a very tender age, which in itself is a matter of pride and achievement. A compilation of his finest poems out of thousands, Hamza is currently a student of 3rd year MBBS at Kabir Medical College, Gandhara University, Peshawar; He plans to come up with a Novel on Pre and Post Medical life.

The book will be hopefully launched by the end of this month and would be available for online buyers as well as the hard copies.

Seeing the passion, creativity and enthusiasm the writer keeps in his words, it’s surely going to be a success to the nascent shoulders which aim to bright and shine even more.

Series: N/A
Publisher: Amazon
Genre: Poetry/Fiction

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/TheStudentDiaries
Twitter ID: https://twitter.com/Cyrus92onwards
Facebook Profile: https://www.facebook.com/Cyrus92onwards

 
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Posted by on February 2, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Hello, long time!

Well, hello. I know its been extremely long ever since I updated this place last. Honestly, I don’t feel like writing anymore. There is this extended-no inspiration-ice dead phase around. Well, anyhow! It’s never too late ever, so here goes; Happy New Year. Unlike all other bloggers, I didn’t post that special, long post and I am a bit late too – so Happiest Birthday Blog. It was a friend who always encouraged me, appreciated my writings and made this blog for me on 23rd December, 2012 – the same day I made my twitter account as well. It has been a lovely journey on these two social platforms, so far. Made many good and long lasting friends, I suppose. Enjoyed, learnt and taught. Though, life had its fair share of many downs in the cup for me, it has been a while since a treat as luxurious as real, meaningful happiness has been tasted. 23rd October, birthday celebration rang the bell.
2012 and 2013 were surely the ugliest years, gone but never forgotten. Happenings, events, academics, family relations, friends and many things in this year kept me hooked up – mentally and emotionally. I am enjoying every bit of it and I’m quite happy and satisfied with it. A lesson to be learnt all life is that, keeping a comfortable distance with every one is what anyone can do the best with life. After all, not every warm, happy and heartiest hand and face is your friend. Not to get too attached that parting would hurt you and the attachment bothers is what ideal in your living.

I hope to get back to the writing track soon. Been reading, exploring, watching and hanging out lately, trying to live it to the extent of feeling it in its real meanings.

I miss reading your awesome blogs, you amazing people out there. Wish you the best of life and ever great blessings!

Adios.

 
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Posted by on January 12, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

The Superficiality of It All

Hira Nazir:

I feel the same at times.

Originally posted on That Paki Blog:

Sometimes I just wonder if going through all of it is worth it. This whole internet life, social networking, posting pictures of your life online, It’s just not my thing. Not anymore, at least. Yes, there was a time when I would go up and post pictures on my instagram just because it was the “cool” thing to do, but I just don’t think it’s worth it anymore. As bloggers, we sometimes believe that life on the internet is what’ll make go forth, make a name and leave a mark. Which is true, considering it is the era of the wireless life we all live, but there’s just something about it that’s like trying to catch a fistful of air that you know you never can. All it does is leave a vacuum, if you manage to catch air.

See, I have been thinking a lot lately and I feel…

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Posted by on November 20, 2013 in Uncategorized

 
 
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