I forced myself to write this title, I don’t believe in giving titles to my writings, anymore. I don’t even bother about the fact if anyone reads my posts or not/ follows my blog or not & so on. In fact, I don’t even bother about anything or anyone altogether.
There was a time when writing used to be a forte, the best and the most precious possession in my life, not anymore! I have been trying hardest to muster up the right amount of courage and strength to delete this site.
I have been through lifetime, self-turning, transitional changes. I was wondering, for a human being, it’s necessary (kind of) to see both the extremes before selecting anything. I’d always wonder, how did Junaid Jamshed bring such a huge, life turning change in his life. Once I told one of my friends that I need a Junaid Jamshed sort of transformation in my life, she replied back, you’d need a Molana Tariq Jameel for that. It’s true. To some extent. Had me thinking. As one of my favorite Urdu writers once mentioned, in life, at sometime or another we come to a point where all relationships cease—where there is only us and Allah. There are no parents, brother or sister, or any friend. Then we realise that there is no earth under us nor is there sky above, but only Allah who is supporting us in this emptiness. Then we realise our worth – it is not more than a grain of sand or the leaf of a plant. Then we realise our existence is only confined to our being. Our demise makes not a whit of difference to the world around us, nor to the scheme of things. At a certain stage, we do need a guiding hand, someone, a source which would help us select the path of satisfaction for ourselves. When we feel that our relation with our creator has been broken. When we pray but we don’t connect. Where we think that the words uttered from our mouths and our spread hands infront of HIM are of no use. When we don’t feel it. When we don’t live it. There we need something, someone, to hold us and take us back to HIM. To pray for us. To compose us.
As I mentioned, it is necessary to see both the highs, one is ought to see the extremes of torment, agony, distress and the extremes of glamor, hyped life, socializing and stuff, in his living, to decide one path. In Urdu it’s said, “App dou kashtiyon ke musafir nahi ho saktey.” When one gets the chance to see the worldly highs and lows and even then he doesn’t find peace and inner satisfaction, that is the point where Allah opens the sealed portions of his heart! I am at that stage. When neither the very happening and updated lifestyle brings you peace nor does the darkest moments help you in any way, there you get into thinking, where is the loophole? What exactly is missing? You’ve everything. Worldly goods. Lavish living. Facilities. Everything to be listed. The only thing missing is your inner peace, your satisfaction, your calmness of heart. I have been through all of this. There has been a long war inside my self. Where is the missing piece of the puzzle? I thought to my self, I am too young to be this sad. I have had insecurities. Trust issues. With every person. My trust in every person just vanished. I knew that if this person is good today, he/she will stab me back tomorrow. I was not comfortable in the company of those I selected to enter into my life, my self. I was disturbed. Distressed. So restless you’d feel a pain in your gut and heart and tears in the eyes. The exact time you realize that you don’t have anything and anyone. No one can take away this pain from you. There is when you find your creator.
I believe, it’s Allah’s big mercy to bring you back to HIS way. I have seen people who constantly do sins and don’t even feel bad about it, it’s also a curse upon them to have their hearts so hardened. This world is just an illusion. I also have been a person who would pray five times a day and follow the religious duties but would have earphones and listen to songs all day. I have not been that strict in pardah but I always observed the ethical and moral boundaries, wearing chaddar, dupatta and all but now, I can feel it in my soul, my Lord has opened the closed doors of my heart. It’s just the start, I know. And I fully understand when they say it,
“Khuda ki raah par chalney ke liye dil marna hota hai. Mehnat karni hoti hai. Khuda ki mohabbat sirf khwahish aur tamanna se hasil nahi hoti, ies ke liye bohot koshish karni hogi, tabhi uska noor apkey wajood aur seenay mein utrey ga. Allah Ta’la har insaan ko zameen par bheej deyta hai aor kehta hai… Ye tumhari azmaish hai, aor ye tumhari umer ki had… Tumko itney saal zameen par iss tarha kay halat kay ssath rehna hai… ye ye masail hain jo tumhen zindagi mai pesh aaingey, ab ro kar inka samna karo ya hans kar inka hal sohney ki koshish karo… Ya in par zindagi bhar matam kartey raho, ye sab tumharey haath mai hai… Behirhaal, tumko in sab ka samna karna hi hai… Hum zindagi kay imtahani kamrey mai beth kar, pedaish sey moat tak mukhtalif qisam kay test dayney kay alawa kuch nahi kar rahey hotey… Har test ka doraniya alag hota hai, uski type alag hoti hai, baaz ka sawal nama zara asan hota hai, baaz ka khasa mushkil,baaz ka sawal nama Syllabus pay phela huwa hota hai, baaz ka mukhtasir jawabaat magta hai… Baaz paper khubsoorat writing mai kartey hain, baaz gandi writing mai, Magar aik baat tou tay hai kay hum sab dey paper hi rahey hain aor ye papers kesey bhi hon, inka Checker aik hi hota hai… Vo merit par puri diyanatdaari kay saath hamen marks dey deyta hai, aor vo checker Allah hai !!
Kamra-e-imtehan mai aney kay baad shor machaney kay bajaey kay falan ko paper asaan diya gaya hai, falan ko naqal karaey jarahi hai, falan ko kam sawal hal karney hain, falan ko ziyada waqt diya gaya hai, falan ko diya janey vala qalam aor sheet mujhsey behtar hai, falan ko paani aor dusri sahuliat di jarahi hain, falan ko calculator istamal karney ki ijazat hai ya falan ney kitaab kholi huey hai…. Kiya ye behtar nahi hai kay hum sirf aor sirf apney question paper par tawwaja den, usko hal karney ki koshish karen, ye dekhen kay iss mai sey kitney sawal hamen aatey hain aor kitney nahi, aor jo sawal hamen atey hain unka jawab hum kitni achi tarha dey saktey hain…. aor jo nahi aatey unko hal karney kay liye hamen kiya karna chaheye… Kiyonkay hamen khaali paper nahi chhorna khali paper dekh kar hamen marks nahi milengey aor nahi hamar koi uzar mana jaeyga..”
It has been a long time since I left using many social networking mediums, probably been years by now. Socializing depresses me. Maybe, I won’t be able to write about the happenings in detail one last time and someday delete this blog, silently. I am happy in my little sphere with an even smaller circle, in my struggle of becoming better and closer to HIM, in the search of peace and satisfaction. I have broken all the walls between myself and HIM, all those walls of wishes and desires which once abandoned me from my Lord and kicked me in the pits of darkness. Our troubles are HIS secrets too and we’d not display them in front of others because those who wipe their tears by others are the weakest. I have been running after shoulders and consoling hands and no one and nothing lasted but my Allah. I’d text one person and the other, talk to one and the other, run after one and the other just to tell me how should I come out of this phase and no one bothered to see after one call. After one text. I’d feel so vulnerable and weak to have my soul get naked infront of others like this and let my secrets be revealed. I continued everything. Going to uni. Wearing that white coat daily. Attending classes. Labs. Wandering through the hospital and doing everything anyone would expect in a life of an ordinary medical student. I continued hanging out with friends. Attending parties. Eating out and do all that I have always been doing but when I would be at it, I’d be having no peace; never had it. One day I realized that even my last resort, listening to the sad songs and searching for melancholic stuff on tumblr is not working. Even the coping with heartbreak mechanism of getting lost into different activities and reading books failed. I used to laugh at people who’d share such stories from their lives and transformations and returning to HIM, I’d say, it’s just a temporary phase and they are making it up. But now, at this point, where I went through it my self, through all that physical, mental, spiritual pain, the torment, the agony. I can feel the gravity of reality. Yes I call it a coping mechanism. Isn’t living a life all about coping and getting along? So exhausting and too much of a khwari for an awaazar person like me, this life, I tell you. I am a strong minded person, people come to me with their issues and let me tell you I don’t like sharing my problems and revealing my troubles. Yes, we all need a listener at sometimes and that’s why God created societies and people to live with us but I don’t share, not even with the two closest people of my life; my mom and sister, I think it’ll portray me weak and dependent and maybe I am just fishing for excuses but I like keeping my issues a secret.
I read somewhere, andheray nay saath bethay hoay shakhss ki shanaht khatam nahi ki thi, yeh kaam ROSHNI nay kia tha. Roshni mojzay kerti hay. Wajood ko is tarah ayaan kerti hay k kisi faraib aur dhokay main rehna mumkin hi nahi rehta. Muqaddar ko munawwer ker deti hay. Har mannay per qabr main utar deti hay. Na mannay per saleb peh charha deti hay. Bas cheezon ko un k muqam per rehnay nahi deti. Paras say chhuay baghair bhi insaan sona ban jata hay aur aag k paas aaey baghair bhi mom ki tarah pighalnay lagta hay. ROSHNI waqiay mojzay kerti ha. And then I realized one of its kinds is that which brightens your path and takes you to HIM.
I have faced the time where I had everything but peace of mind. I lived the time where I burnt in the constant pinching feel of un named regrets, guilt about the fact that whatever I have done was wrong and whatever decisions I have ever taken were the worst, I have lived my life wrong and I am a failure. I went through the time where I realized that I would die of the ting of my heart, of this thirst for something missing, the missing peace. Now when I rewind everything, I realized, how disturbed I was and I was dangling in it, waking up in the morning with a heavy heart, coming back from the uni with that burden on the chest, going to bed with it, my whole existence was a consistent and perpetual state of agony and restlessness, my whole prof (the academic year in medical terms) became a mess, the entire year I stood on the square one and kept on burning in this dilemma, the dilemma of my existence, the ashes of my distress. Even the recall scares me, gives me shivers down the spines. I am drained. Then I got pricked by the fact it’s difficult for me to recall and remember my Lord 5 times a day but I want HIM to remember me every second. I want HIM to grant my needs every second and every minute and if not so I start whining and complaining from HIM and label my self unlucky. I don’t try to do tableegh. I’m not preaching. I am nothing. Nothing at all. So flawed. I’ve had the best and the worst. Do you know whether you’ll be able to complete reading this post or not? I don’t know whether I’ll be alive the next moment or not. The uncertainty of human life scares me so much I tremble in fear. I’ve been so depressed and disturbed I could pull my hair out and rip my heart off. I’d talk to one and other and be after one attentive eye and other but then I thought, I am only supposed to complaint and cry in front of HIM, no one else.
I asked a friend once, what will be your reaction if I start wearing Hijab and that too a lifetime change? (Because of course, we all care more about people, we are a part of that rotten system where we are more bothered about the why’s and what’s of others, at least an extremely fragile and weak person like me is). She told me, for a girl who has never been this strict about pardah, though observed everything before too but not this strictly, I will be shocked and surprised for obvious reasons. But then get used to it. We got into argument of why it bothers others if anyone brings a change and makes an effort and so on.
Yes, I would be tempted to see the glamorous divas out there and would want to be like them but then when I think of the day of judgement, where us all would be standing infront of HIM, just like we stand in huge, open grounds in any concert. And HE will ask me how did I live my life and what did I do to the eye and hair and nose and limbs HE gave me, I’d have no answer. That’s why, I want to live a life by which HE’ll be happy not the one which will satisfy my nafs.
Before the HOLY MONTH of ramazan would start, I prayed to ALLAH to ease my difficulty. I told HIM I would be touching the 21st year of my life soon, please grant me the strength and power to live a life which HE likes. To make me a person which HE loves. And I am ever so thankful to HIM, to have brought life changing and life turning transformation in me. And I have found the peace of my heart, the calmness of my soul, the satisfaction of my inside.
Social media, friendships, worldly needs, desires, wishes, illusions, etc etc, nothing matter anymore in front of me. I read somewhere, for falling in love with HIM you have to kill your ego infront of ALL but to fall in love with a single person, you’d need to kill your ego in front of just a single person. I don’t think so truer words have ever been spoken. I know I wouldn’t be all Insha’Allah & Bismillah & JazakAllah at once. But at least, I can try to be better, ya? I always wore half or three quarter lengthened sleeves all my life. Never full. But exact one year ago, I discarded all my clothes with short sleeves and got all the new stitched in long ones. Even my own sister is ok in wearing short sleeves and my mother is fine with three quarter length but I’m not good with the “ishtihaar” of myself. I don’t have any issue with whatever anyone else do or say & think about all that I do because after all to each belongs his own graveyard, right? In Urdu they say, “Sou chuhay kha ke billi haj ko chali.” Which is translated and concluded as in old age after living all the glamor and glory, one is ought to return to HIM, he opt to do so, always. Everyone does. Because, then is when one is entirely weak, very helpless and left with no option. It needs a heart, jigar gurda, blood and sweat to go against your nafs and return to HIM and please HIM while you’re at the peaks of your strength and adulthood and enjoyment and life, ya?
I don’t care if anyone mocks me, back bites about me, picks up on me, bad mouths or tries to put any harm to me or my identity, because I believe that there is ALLAH, who is the biggest saver of life. Who is the greatest protector of flaws. Who is the best judge. Who is the best decision maker and who is all in one, THE ONLY ONE! I don’t care about whatever you think of me or talk about me, the purpose of life is to please Rehman not the creation of Rehman.
I know, it’s just the start and I have a long way to go, I might tremble and fall but there is HIM to hold. I would take a single step, HE will take a 100 steps to come closer.
Allah apko imaan ki mohabbat de, gunah se nafrat ka jazba ata farmaye, asaniyan de aur asaniyaan taqseem karney ka sharf bakhshay, Ameen! :)
At one stage or the other, every person comes to this point where he truly realizes the gravity of his creation and the reality of his creator. When you feel like you don’t have any way left, just for once, do return to your Lord. May HE answer all your prayers!
“And HE found you lost and guided you”.